UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA 
AT   LOS  ANGELES 


ROBERT  ERNEST  COWAN 


THE  TELEPHONE  FACK. 


SAID  THE 
OBSERVER 


By 
Louis   J.    Stellmann 

ILLUSTRATIONS   BY 

J.  P.  BURNHAM  AND  V.  C.  FORSYTHE 


San  Francisco 
The  WHitaKer  (SL  Ray  Co. 

Incorporated 

19O8 


Copyright  1903 

BY 
THE  WHITAKER  &  RAY  Co. 


TS 


CO 

tn 

CD 


Dedication. 

TO    MY    MOTHER   ON    HER   FIFTIETH 
BIRTHDAY. 


Half  of  a  century's  gladness 
And  half  of  a  century's  tears, 

Lost  in  the  mighty  silence 

Of  the  past  and  vanished  years! 

Oh,  what  a  sea  of  memories 

Surge  back  from  the  time  gone  by- 

The  waters  of  Life's  river; 
How  many  a  smile  or  sigh — 

Has  made  them  dance  and  sparkle; 

Or,  storm-tossed  as  they  ran, 
Adown  the  course  of  Being, 

Since  the  current  first  began! 

3 


DEDICATION. 

How  many  a  note  of  gladness 
Has  the  music  of  their  flow, 

Brought  to  the  hearts  of  others 
To  lighten  their  load  of  woe! 

How  often,  too,  has  Duty 
Claimed  its  sacrifice  of  pain? 

How  many  hours  of  sorrow 
Have  been  for  another's  gain? 

Xo  mind  can  weigh  or  measure, 
The  light  that  a  woman's  love 

Casts  on  Life's  darkened  pathways. 
Save  that  of  the  God  above. 

From  out  the  time  that's  vanished 
A  message  of  Peace  is  borne. 

A  future  glad  in  Promise, 

Like  a  sunshine-laden  morn — 

Smiles  welcome  now  and  beckons 
To  a  new  and  brighter  day. 

The  years  to  come  are  gladder 

Than  those  that  have  passed  away. 


Preface. 

It  is  the  custom  of  some  authors  to  preface  their 
earlier  works  with  excuses  for  sendiug  their  "  little 
volume  out  into  the  world,"  and  to  bespeak  in  its 
behalf  the  leniency  of  both  critic  and  reader.  I 
have  no  such  apologies,  however,  to  make  for  this 
work.  I  have  confidence  in  its  success  and  it  will 
win  or  lose,  according  to  its  merits,  no  matter  what 
I  say. 

"Said  The  Observer"  represents  stray  ideas, 
gathered  here  and  there  and  everywhere,  which  I 
have  decked  out  in  gay  habiliments  of  Fancy  and 
embellished  with  such  wit  as  I  possess.  Do  not 
take  them  seriously,  I  pray  you.  for  their  aim  is  to 
amuse.  Do  not  feel  offended  if  some  pet  corn  is 
trod  upon,  for  it  is  all  in  fun  and  no  malice  is  in 
tended. 

5 


6  PREPACK. 

Most  of  the  sketches  have  already  appeared  in 
the  Los  Angeles  Herald  and  the  reader  may  detect 
in  some  a  touch  of  localism,  as  for  instance,  in  "  The 
Essentials  of  Greatness,"  which  refers  casually  to 
the  passing  of  Senator  Stephen  M.  White.  "  Steve 
White,"  as  he  was  affectionately  dubbed  by  those 
who  knew  him,  was  a  great  man  in  California, 
though,  perhaps,  his  fame  as  an  orator  and  states 
man  may  not  have  penetrated  far  beyond  the 
borders  of  the  Golden  State.  In  two  other  sketches 
references  are  made  to  Li  Hung  Chang.  Both 
were  written  prior  to  the  death  of  the  distinguished 
Oriental  diplomat,  and  I  have  chosen  to  explain 
seeming  anachronisms,  rather  than  change  my 
narrative  to  conform  with  later  events. 

THE  AUTHOR. 


Contents. 

PAGE 
INFLUENCE  OF  THE  PIPE          .        .        .        .        .        .       .7 

OUR  FRIEND  THE  MURDERER     .  .        .        ....         13 

SCIENCE  AND  WEATHER  .        ....        .        .        .19 

THE  ESSENTIALS  OF  GREATNESS  .         .        .        ;    •    ..         23 
HORSE  SENSE  .        .        .         .        .        .        .         .       27 

THE  MANNISH  WOMAN          .        .        ...        .         31 

A  WONDERFUL  MACHINE         .        ...        .        .36 

DRAWBACKS  OF  THE  KING  BUSINESS    ...        .        .          39 

THE  EATING  HABIT          .        .<       .        .        .        .        .43 

DELIGHTS  OF  FLASHLIGHT  PHOTOGRAPHY    .        .        .         46 
WONDERS  OF  SPIRITUALISM       ......      54 

THE  POTENCY  OF  THE  TESTIMONIAL     .  .        .          59 

AMBITIONS  AND  THINGS 65 

THE  TELEPHONE  FACE  69 


Influence  of  the  Pipe. 


"  I  see,  by  a  recent  paper,"  said  the  Observer,  as 
he  lit  another  cigar  and  resettled  himself  in  his 
chair,  "  that  a  Chicago  physician  and  a  lot  of  fool 
women,  who  are  evidently  jealous  of  Carrie  Nation, 
are  about  to  start  an  active  crusade  against  the 
'  Smoke  Nuisance.'  This  is  ambiguous  enough  to 
warrant  the  supposition  that  their  object  is  the 
compulsory  introduction  of  some  patented  device 
for  clearing  the  atmosphere  of  Pittsburg  and  other 
manufacturing  towns,  but  their  real  aim  is  to  dis 
courage  the  use  of  tobacco.  Now,  of  all  the  human 

7 


O  SAID   THE   OBSERVER. 

pests  which  afflict  the  long- suffering  public,  the 
anti-smoke  agitator  i»  about  the  worst.  Why, 
man  alive!  what  would  become  of  the  human 
race  without  tobacco?  It  is  the  grease  which  lubri 
cates  the  Wheel  of  Evolution.  Since  the  time  of 
Sir  Walter  Raleigh  civilization  has  advanced  more 
rapidly  by  one  hundred  per  cent.  Nearly  all  great 
inventors,  artists  and  writers  owe  their  inspiration 
to  the  pipe. 

"  A  very  successful  newspaper  man  whom  I 
know  has  four  different  pipes  and  each  serves 
a  special  purpose.  When  he  wants  to  write  a  hu 
morous  article,  he  says  to  his  wife,  '  Where  is  my 
funny  pipe? 'and  she  hands  him  a  long-handled 
affair  with  a  weichsel- wood  bowl  and  a  cherry  stem 
that  has  a  kind  of  rakish,  good-natured  curve  to  it. 
Then  he  sits  down  and  grinds  out  copy  that  will 
make  an  Englishman  laugh  at  first  sight.  A  big, 
dumpy  brier,  with  a  shorter  stem  and  a  celluloid 


INFLUENCE   OF    THE    PIPE.  9 

end,  is  responsible  for  general  descriptive  work, 
sporting  news,  etc.,  while  a  trim  little  meerschaum 
with  a  carved  bowl  engenders  excellent  criticisms 
of  music  and  drama.  Occasionally,  too,  this  bright 
fellow,  who  does  considerable  work  on  the  editorial 
page,  gets  into  a  newspaper  controversy.  Then  he 
pulls  from  his  pocket  a  short  '  bull-dog '  with  a 
horn  tip,  whose  massive,  square-jawed  bowl  and 
ferocious  short-curved  stem  breathe  forth  aggres 
siveness,  and,  jamming  it  full  of  '  plug  cut,'  he 
writes  one  of  those  satirical,  sledge-hammer  roasts 
which  make  him  feared  by  his  opponents. 

"  One  night  he  was  detailed  to  write  up  a  show 
at  one  of  the  leading  theatres.  The  play  was  '  East 
Lyiine,'  which,  as  a  tear-producer,  ranks  away  up 
and  was  presented  by  a  first-class  company.  When 
the  critic  reached  home  he  was  feeling  pretty  sad, 
so  he  looked  around  for  his  meerschaum.  His 
wife  had  been  cleaning  house  that  day  and  he 


10  SAID    THE   OBSERVER. 

couldn't  find  any  pipe  but  the  long  one.  What 
was  the  result?  Why,  he  wrote  such  a  humorous 
description  of  the  play  that  everybody  thought 
'  East  Lynne  '  was  a  farce  comedy  and,  when  the 
performance  closed  on  the  following  night,  two- 
thirds  of  the  audience  wanted  their  money  back. 

"  His  worst  crack,  though,  was  when  a  man  of 
great  local  prominence,  who  stood  high  with  the 
people,  died  and  it  fell  to  G.'s  lot  to  describe  the 
funeral  ceremonies  and  eulogize  the  deceased.  G.'s 
mother-in-law  had  just  arrived  and  the  poor  fellow 
was  so  badly  rattled  that  he  got  hold  of  the  '  bull 
dog  '  instead  of  the  brier  and  made  the  Hon.  D.  out 
the  grandest  rascal  who  had  ever  preyed  upon  the 
vitals  of  a  law-abiding  community.  The  only  thing 
that  saved  his  neck  this  time  was  the  fact  that  it  all 
turned  out  to  be  true  and  his  paper  got  the  credit 
of  a  '  scoop.'  After  that  he  had  a  little  case  made 
to  hold  all  four  of  his  pipes,  with  a  strap  to  go 


INFLUENCE    OF    THE    PIPE.  li 

around   his  neck — and  I  guess  he  sleeps  with  it 
now. 

"  They  say  that  Guttenberg  conceived  the  notion 
of  the  printing  press  while  taking  an  after-dinner 
smoke;  that  Stephenson's  ideas  of  steam  locomotion 
came  to  him  through  the  curling  wreaths  of  his 
favorite  Virginia;  and  that  Morse  figured  out  the 
telegraph  with  a  pipe  in  his  mouth.  I  never  could 
corroborate  these  statements,  though  I  don't  doubt 
them  a  bit.  But,  be  that  as  it  may,  the  man, 
woman  or  child  who  tries  to  deprive  us  of  the 
solace  and  inspiration  of  tobacco,  is  like  the  goat 
that  tried  to  butt  a  train  off  the  track.  He  is  not 
only  trifling  with  one  of  the  greatest  factors  in 
civilization,  but  he  is  toying  with  a  lost  cause." 


'No  other  man  gets  half  the  flattering  attention  given 
the  condemned." 


Turflt 


I  don't  believe  in  capital  pun 
ishment,"  said  the  Observer,  as 
he  rose  from  the  barber's  chair  and  adjusted  his 
collar  before  the  glass.  "It's  less  expensive  for 
the  government  than  to  board  a  man  for  life,  and 
it  satisfies  the  popular  idea  of  justice,  but  I  doubt 
very  much  its  efficiency  in  the  suppression  of  crime. 
"  Take  the  average  murderer,  for  instance.  He 
seems  to  look  forward  to  his  execution  with  happy 
anticipation.  He  may  have  been  a  hopeless  dys 
peptic  who  killed  his  wife  in  an  agony  of  indiges- 

13 


14  SAID   THE   OBSERVER. 

tion,  following  a  repast  of  hot  biscuits  and  flannel 
cakes,  such  as  '  mother  used  to  make,'  but  as  the 
hour  of  death  approach  as,  he  regains  his  appetite, 
and,  just  before  the  solemn  moment,  partakes  of  a 
hearty  breakfast.  His  whole  life  may  have  been  a 
record  of  flagrant  cowardice,  yet  he  walks  steadily 
to  the  scaffold  and  dies  '  like  a  man  ' ;  he  may  have 
been  illiterate  to  a  degree,  yet  in  the  very  shadow 
of  the  gallows  he  writes  a  statement  for  publication 
the  depth  and  power  of  which  astonishes  the  world. 
From  the  sentence  to  the  finish,  the  murderer's  life 
is  one  bed  of  roses.  Every  pretty  girl  who  visits 
the  prison  brings  him  flowers  and  sweets,  and  begs 
eagerly  for  his  autograph;  great  authors  write 
books  about  him  ;  great  lawyers  draw  up  petitions 
from  notable  men  and  women  asking  for  his  pardon, 
and  the  governor's  secretary  works  night  and  day, 
declining  their  requests,  writing  special  permits  and 
"  standing  off""  tearful  relatives,  friends  and  sweet- 


OUR   FRIEND    THE   MURDERER.  15 

hearts,  who  spring  up  as  if  by  magic  to  plead  his 
cause. 

"N"o  other  man  gets  half  the  flattering  attention 
that  is  given  the  condemned  ;  no  one  else  is  given 
half  the  chance  to  make  a  glorious  finish.  By  some 
occult  influence  his  faults  are  utterly  effaced  and 
every  latent  talent  is  developed  to  a  point  of  abso 
lute  perfection.  When  this  '  ne  plus  ultra '  is 
reached,  a  quick  curtain  is  dropped  over  his  career, 
and  he  lives  in  the  memory  of  countless  thousands 
as  a  martyred  hero  of  the  most  splendid  moral  and 
mental  attainments. 

"Who  would  not  sacrifice  life  for  such  a  climax? 
Many  men  have  said  to  Fame  and  Wisdom,  '  Let 
me  look  upon  your  face  and  die ' ;  many  have  come 
to  view  their  Gorgon  features  and  cheerfully  paid 
the  price,  and  still  more  have  perished  miserably  on 
the  way. 

"  Now,  what  is  the  murderer's  sacrifice  compared 


16  SAID   THE   OBSERVER. 

to  these  ?  He  is  carefully  attended,  afforded  every 
luxury,  and  at  last,  is  whisked  away  into  eternity, 
quickly,  and,  as  far  as  possible,  painlessly,  with  a 
grand  opera  and  limelight  effect. 

"  We  have  learned  many  things  from  Mongolia; 
gunpowder,  the  printing  press  and  many  other 
great  discoveries  have  been  traced  back  to  Celestial 
origin.  Let  us,  then,  adopt  her  method  of  dealing 
with  troublesome  subjects.  A  '  harikari '  sentence 
saves  the  nation  much  trouble  and  expense.  A 
coroner's  verdict  of  '  suicide  by  request,'  is  much 
more  simple,  and  just  as  good  as  a  lengthy  criminal 
prosecution,  besides  affording  the  transgressor  a 
choice  of  weapons.  He  may  prefer  a  strychnine 
sandwich  to  the  rope,  or  an  unobtrusive  blow-out- 
the-gas  transition  to  the  electric  chair ;  he  may 
choose  to  loiter  carelessly  in  the  path  of  a  metro 
politan  trolley  car ;  to  caress  the  rear  elevation  of  an 
army  mule,  or  insist  upon  reading  a  spring  poem  to 


OUR    FRIEND    THE    MURDERER.  17 

an  athletic  and  busy  editor.  Many  persons  are 
particular  upon  these  subjects  and,  if  the  individual 
liberty,  which  is  the  watchword  of  our  nation,  is  to 
be  preserved,  some  license  should  be  allowed  even 
a  felon  under  such  conditions. 

"  If  we  really  wish  to  decrease  and  discourage 
vice,  however,  let  us  go  about  it  in  a  logical  manner 
and  hold  up  a  terrible  example  to  those  pre 
meditating  crime.  The  prisoner  should  be  visited 
by  none  but  religious  advisers  of  every  denom 
ination,  except  on  certain  days  when  free  admittance 
should  be  granted  to  sketch  artists,  camera  fiends, 
elocutionists  and  young  authors.  All  newspaper 
articles  relating  to  his  case  should  be  carefully 
suppressed ;  no  reading  matter  furnished  him 
except  dialect  stories,  and.  amateur  photographs, 
taken  by  visitors,  should  be  hung  upon  the 
wall.  Between  times  the  prisoner  might  be  em 
ployed  in  washing  dishes  for  a  cooking  school  and 


18  SAID   THE   OBSERVER. 

testing  the  products  of  pupils.  After  two  months 
of  unremitting  toil,  according  to  this  itinerary, 
he  might  be  safely  liberated,  if  life  remained, 
and  it  is  safe  to  say  that  his  experience,  when  re 
lated  to  associates,  would  have  a  more  deterrent 
effect  upon  the  '  profesh '  than  several  kinds  of 
death  penalties  could  hope  to  produce." 


Science  and  Weather. 

"Science,"  said  the  Observer,  "  is  a  great  thiug 
and  applicable  to  almost  every  line  of  endeavor. 
You  can  kill  people  in  a  scientific  manner — witness 
the  late  Madame  Borgia  and  others.  You  can  shoe 
a  horse  scientifically,  beg  scientifically  or  hypnotize 
a  squalling  infant  into  innocuous  quietude  by  the 
aid  of  science.  Marconi  has  signalled  across  the 
ocean  ;  Santos-Dumont  has  navigated  the  air  and 
Austria  has  proven  her  neutrality  in  the  Spanish- 
American  war  by  scientific  means.  But  there  is 
one  thing  which  Science  cannot  tackle  with  any 
degree  of  success,  and  that  is  the  weather  problem. 

"The  gift  of  weather  prophecy  goes  with  rheu 
matism  and  not  with  government  appointment.  The 
barometer  and  the  anemometer  are  not  in  it  with  a 
touch  of  gout,  a  sailor's  superstitions  or  a  farmer's 

19 


20  SAID    THE   OBSERVER. 

instinot,  and,  until  the  Department  of  Agriculture 
realizes  this,  the  weather  forecast  will  have  no 
practical  value  except  as  an  interesting  bit  of 
fiction. 

"  I  once  heard  of  a  man  who  was  '  salivated  '  in 
a  quicksilver  mine,  and  who,  as  a  result,  turned 
into  a  living  barometer.  If  his  head  was  clear  and 
his  feet  were  heavy,  it  was  a  sure  sign  of  rain  in 
Summer  or  frost  in  Winter.  If,  on  the  contrary, 
he  seemed  depressed  mentally  and  yearned  for 
exercise,  a  rise  in  temperature  and  fair  weather 
were  in  order.  He  amassed  a  large  fortune  in 
making  weather  bets,  but  one  day  when  the  ther 
mometer  was  down  below  zero,  he  stepped  on  a 
tack  and  all  the  mercury  ran  out  of  his  heel.  After 
that  he  lost  all  his  money  betting  with  a  neighbor 
who  had  a  rheumatic  left  joint,  and  died  of  grief  in 
abject  poverty. 

"  The  only  way  by  which  the  government  may 


SCIENCE    AND    WEATHER.  21 

hope  to  secure  competent  weather  prognostigators 
is  iii  the  establishment  of  regular  training  schools 
for  its  prophets.  The  candidate  should  be  exam 
ined  as  to  fitness,  just  as  the  applicant  for  a  West 
Point  cadetship.  He  should  possess  inherited  ten 
dencies  toward  rheumatism  as  a  primary  qualifica 
tion.  Then,  after  serving  three  years  before  the 
mast  and  putting  in  an  equal  period  of  active  labor 
on  a  farm,  he  would  be  able  to  turn  out  correct 
forecasts  with  no  other  apparatus  than  a  set  of 
signal  flags,  a  typewriter  and  a  hektograph. 

"It  wouldn't  be  scientific,"  concluded  the  Ob 
server,  reflectively,  "  because  he  couldn't  explain 
his  deductions  on  a  basis  of  dynamic  pressure, 
electrical  disturbances,  or  velocity  of  air  currents. 
But  it  would  be  a  safe  tip  for  the  city  man  to  get 
out  his  umbrella,  mackintosh  and  overshoes  and 
for  the  farmer  to  cover  up  his  hay,  if  the  rain  flag 
were  seen  to  float  on  the  weather  pole." 


'Fate  has  posted  a  great  big  placard  over  the  Hall  of  Fame." 


CifY. 


N  YES  !  Steve  White  was  a  great 
man,"  said  the  Observer,  as  he 
chalked  his  cue  and  reflectively 
gazed  at  the  balls,  "  but  he  was 
born  in  that  class.  If  he  hadn't 
been,  Stephen  Mallory  White 
would  probably  have  cut  no 
greater  figure  in  the  world  than  any  other  man. 

"  Did  you  ever  hear  of  a  man  who  wasn't  born 
in  some  country  village, '  of  poor  but  honest  par 
ents, '  amounting  to  a  row  of  pins?  Not  on  your 
life !  It's  the  true  and  only  essential  of  greatness. 
Yes,  there  are  lots  of  fellows  fixed  that  way  who 

23 


24  SAID   THE   OBSERVER. 

don't  make  their  mark,  but  that's  because  they 
doii't  try. 

"  Everybody  knows  how  Carnegie  got  his  start; 
didn't  Lincoln  use  to  chop  wood  for  a  living,  and 
Garfield  drive  a  canal  boat  team  ?  Wasn't  Gould 
a  messenger  boy,  and  General  Miles  a  private  ?  It's 
a  '  cinch,'  a  '  kismet.'  Fate  has  posted  a  great  big 
placard  over  the  door  to  Fame  and  it  says.  '  None 
But  Impecunious  Young  Countrymen  Need  Apply.' 

"  That  is  why  I  always  thought  reincarnation 
was  a  good  scheme.  The  Theosophists  say  that 
every  soul  must  pass  through  a  certain  number  of 
experiences,  before  it  can  attain  perfection.  Now, 
here's  a  chance  for  some  unfortunate  scion  of 
wealth  or  nobility,  who  has  lived  a  useless  and  un 
eventful  life,  and  wants  to  do  something  for  his 
country. 

"  He  can  go  to  some  secluded  hamlet,  inquire  as 
to  the  probable  date  of  the  next  birth  in  the  neigh- 


THE    ESSENTIALS   OF   GREATNESS.  25 

borhood,  and,  when  things  are  in  shape,  he  can 
blow  out  the  gas  some  night  and  wake  up  the  next 
morning  as  a  new-born  babe,  with  all  the  elements 
of  greatness  strong  upon  him. 

"  When  this  fact  becomes  generally  known,  people 
will  donate  their  funds  to  charitable  institutions 
and  move  to  the  country  to  raise  future  presidents, 
senators  and  merchant  princes;  there  will  be  an 
epidemic  of  suicide  among  the  idle  rich,  and  the 
birth-rate  of  our  rural  districts  will  increase  a 
hundredfold;  the  population  of  cities  will  be  sadly 
decimated;  waste  lands  will  be  cleared  and  culti 
vated,  as  if  by  magic,  and,  a  generation  hence, 
there  will  come  forth  from  the  agricultural  regions 
a  host  of  young  toilers  with  Destiny's  diploma  for 
future  greatness  in  their  pockets." 

The  Observer  was  so  wrapped  up  in  his  prophecy 
that  he  missed  his  shot  by  fully  half  an  inch  and 
put  the  wrong  end  of  his  cigar  in  his  mouth.  After 


26  SAID    THE   OBSERVER. 

carefully   wiping   the  ashes  out  of  his  teeth  and 
kicking  the  proprietor's  cat,  he  resumed : 

"  I  rather  got  off  the  subject,  and  don't  want  you 
to  put  me  down  as  endorsing  reincarnation,  either, 
but  when  I  hear  a  lot  of  folks  talking  about  what 
a  great  man  So-and-So  was ;  how  he  had  to  get  up 
before  daylight  to  chop  wood  and  feed  the  stock, 
in  order  to  get  to  school  on  time,  I  say  to  myself, 
'  What  Tommyrot !  As  if  Providence  didn't  have 
it  all  fixed  for  him.'  " 


"  In  some  ways  the  average  man  hasn't  the  sense 
of  the  average  horse,"  said  the  Observer,  taking  a 
shot  at  the  cuspidor  and  looking  thoroughly  dis 
gusted.  "  Horse  sense  is  a  brand  of  intelligence 
immeasurably  above  that  displayed  by  human 
beings  under  certain  conditions.  No,  I'm  not 
suffering  from  dyspepsia  or  gout — I've  simply  been 
watching  people  as  they  try  to  pass  each  other  in 
halls  and  doorways,  and  on  the  street.  It's  enough 
to  make  a  man  ashamed  that  he  was  born  a  '  Lord 
of  creation.' 

27 


28  SAID    THE    OBSERVER. 

"  The  average  horse  doesn't  need  to  be  guided 
when  he  sees  another  horse  coming  the  other  way. 
He  swerves  to  the  right,  as  naturally  as  a  bull-dog 
chases  a  tramp.  What  does  the  average  man  do 
when  he  suddenly  meets  another  coming  hurriedly 
in  an  opposite  direction?  He  places  himself 
squarely  in  front  of  him  and  then  begins  a  series  of 
side-steps,  first  to  one  side  and  then  the  other,  in 
exact  accordance  with  those  of  the  man  he  is  trying 
to  pass,  like  the  mirror  pantomime  in  Hanlon's 
Fantasma.  Finally,  both  come  to  a  standstill, 
facing  each  other,  and  one  tries  to  execute  a  quick 
flank  movement  to  the  left.  Just  at  this  moment 
the  other  suddenly  remembers  that  he  would  have 
avoided  all  this  tomfoolery  if  he  had  only  kept  to 
the  right,  and  tries  to  make  good  on  this  hypothe 
sis.  The  result  is  that  they  bump  into  each  other 
violently  and  begin  side-stepping  again.  After 
another  round  or  two  of  Terpsichoreau  gymnastics 


HORSE    SENSE. 


29 


one  of  them  breaks  through  the  other's  guard  and 
escapes  and  each  continues  on  his  belated  way, 
thinking  what  an  infernal  idiot  the  other  is. 

"  I  have  known  men 
who  gained  internation 
al  renown  for  their  strat 
egy  and  'sang  froid'  on 
the  battlefield ;  men 
whose  calmness  and  de 
liberation  have  averted 
many  a  financial  crisis 
and  men  whose  marvel 
ous  executive  capacity 
and  keen  insight  into 
human  affairs  have  won 
them  great  fortunes. 
I  have  seen  these  same  men  trying  to  pass  other 
pedestrians  in  a  narrow  hallway  and  act  in  a  way 
which  would  make  a  lunatic  ashamed  of  himself. 


30  SAID   THE    OBSERVER. 

"A  drummer,  who  travels  for  a  large  P^astern  job 
bing  concern,  was  once  entering  the  establishment  of 
a  firm  which  always  bought  heavily  from  his  house. 
One  of  the  proprietors  was  just  going  out.  They 
came  together  in  the  doorway,  and,  before  they 
could  pass  each  other,  a  rival  salesman  slipped  by 
and  sold  the  other  partner  a  large  bill  of  goods. 

u  Congress  ought  to  pass  an  appropriation  for 
the  purpose  of  teaching  people  how  to  pass  each 
other.  If  the  surplus  energy  and  brainwork  con 
sumed  in  this  task  under  present  methods  were 
applied  to  some  more  useful  purpose,  a  great  re 
form  movement  would  have  been  inaugurated." 


The    Mannish   Woman. 

DON'T  want  to  achieve  a  rep 
utation  as  a  '  knocker,'  "  said 
the  Observer,  knitting  his  brow 
thoughtfully,  "but,  I  neverthe 
less,  aver  and  maintain  that  the 
national  evil  of  this  great  land  is 
the  mannish  woman. 
"  No,  I  don't  mean  the  woman  who  can  earn  a 
living  in  some  professional  pursuit  that  has  hitherto 
been  monopolized  by  men.  Why,  with  our  male 
milliners,  dressmakers,  cooks,  and  what  not,  she 
has  been  driven  to  it  by  man  himself.  Even  the 
servant  girl  has  become  a  thing  of  the  past,  and 
the  '  help  '  of  the  present  day  wears  trousers, — not 
metaphorically,  as  his  female  predecessor  was  wont 
to  do — but  literally.  However,  I'm  not  going  to 

31 


32  SAID    THE   OBSERVER. 

discuss  the  servant-girl  question.  That  is  an  old 
story  and  a  painful  one — almost  as  painful  as  the 
mannish  woman. 

"  This  fearful  and  wonderful  product  of  Amer 
ican  progressiveness — this  worst  type  of  mono 
maniac  (man-o-maniac,  one  might  more  appropri 
ately  term  her)  is  driving  men  to  drink.  The 
mother-in-law  is  a  thing  of  beauty  and  a  joy  for 
ever,  compared  to  the  mannish  woman;  the  female 
book-agent  takes  on  new  lustre  and  even  the 
poetess  is  a  desirable  companion  beside  her.  The 
mannish  woman  wears  a  coat  and  vest  and — no, 
she  doesn't  wear  trousers,  because  she  doesn't  dare, 
but  a  vertical  strip  of  braid  down  the  middle  of 
her  skirt  suggests  the  effect.  From  a  distance  you 
couldn't  distinguish  between  her  and  a  man  to 
save  your  life,  for  her  hat,  shirt-bosom,  collar  and 
tie  are  the  real  thing.  She  has  pockets  in  her 
skirt,  one  on  each  side,  and,  sometimes  at  the  club, 


THE    MANNISH    WOMAN.  33 

she  puts  her  hands  in  them  and,  with  arms  akimbo, 
admires  herself  in  the  glass.  At  the  club  also  she 
does  other  things  to  show  how  independent  she  is. 
She  slaps  her  friend  on  the  back  with  a  'Hello,  Gertie. 
How's  tricks?  '  and  orders  a  glass  of  soda-lemonade 
with  a  cherry  in  it.  She  wouldn't  take  a  man's 
arm  for  the  world,  which  is  perhaps  fortunate,  for 
she  seldom  gets  a  chance.  But  she  likes  to  talk  to 
a  man  about  the  races  and  exhibit  her  knowledge 
of  baseball  slang. 

"A  friend  of  mine  has  an  elderly  sister  who  is 
a  mannish  woman.  Contrary  to  the  popular  belief, 
she  never  borrows  his  neckties  or  collars,  but  per 
haps  this  may  be  accounted  for  by  the  fact  that 
Fred  is  rather  stout  in  the  neck  and  seldom  wears 
a  tie.  She  got  him  to  tie  a  four-in-hand  for  her 
one  day.  Fred  used  to  be  a  sea-captain  in  his 
early  days  and,  although  he  could  make  all  kinds 
of  splices  with  a  rope,  he  had  never  tackled  a  four- 


34  SAID    THE   OBSERVER. 

in-hand.  He  was  game,  however,  and,  after  a  hard 
tussle,  accomplished  what  is  known  in  nautical 
parlance  as  a  '  clove  hitch.'  Fred's  sister  wore  it 
night  and  day  for  a  week  and  then  cut  it  off  with  a 
pair  of  scissors. 

"  Fred  had  another  experience  some  time  after 
this  which  nearly  proved  serious.  His  sister  was 
on  the  reception  committee  for  a  club  function  one 
evening  and  asked  her  brother's  advice  in  regard 
to  mixing  punch.  Fred  is  an  obliging  fellow,  so  he 
got  his  friend,  who  is  a  barkeeper,  to  mix  up  a 
couple  of  gallons  and  send  it  over  to  the  clubhouse 
with  his  compliments.  The  barkeeper  thought  it 
was  for  Fred's  club  so  he  made  it  good  and  stiff. 
It  was  an  innocuous  looking  mixture  and  tasted 
innocent  enough,  so  the  club  women  said  it  was 
'  bully  '  and  partook  freely. 

"About  twelve  o'clock  that  night,  somebody  tel 
ephoned  for  Fred  to  come  quick.  Just  exactly 


THE   MANNISH    WOMAN.  35 

what  happened,  Fred  never  would  tell,  but  it  cost 
him  about  $40  for  cab  fares  and  an  equal  amount 
to  keep  it  out  of  the  papers.  Now,  whenever  one 
of  the  club  women  sees  him,  she  crosses  the  street. 
"  I  don't  believe  there  is  any  province  in  Heaven 
for  the  mannish  woman.  If  there  is,  I  know  lots 
of  men  who  would  enter  upon  a  life  of  crime  rather 
than  take  a  chance  of  going  there  when  they  die. 
I  think  there  is  a  special  place  in  Hades,  where  the 
mannish  woman  will  be  made  to  wear  a  mother- 
hubbard  and  let  down  her  back  hair.  If  there 
isn't,  Mephistopheles  don't  understand  his  business 
a  little  bit." 


A   Wonderful    Machine. 

"  I  see  by  one  of  the  papers  that  a  Chinaman  has 
invented  a  typewriter  which  writes  in  the  Celestial 
language,"  said  the  Observer,  handing  the  boot 
black  a  nickel  and  shaking  hands  with  the  crowd. 
"  This  bright  Oriental,  who  is  known  as  Tap-Key, 
has  undertaken  a  very  large  contract,  for  the 
Chinese  language,  as  most  people  know,  is  com 
posed  entirely  of  word  symbols,  each  of  which  rep 
resents  a  word ;  some  combining  to  form  other 
words,  as  for  instance,  a  square  represents  a  field, 
and  a  combination  of  '  man  '  and  '  field '  signifies  a 
farmer ;  while  '  a  man  in  a  box  '  most  graphically 
describes  a  prisoner,  and  '  two  women  '  typify  '  gos 
sip,'  which  is  emphasized  by  adding  another  of  the 
fair  sex,  so  that  a  half-dozen  women  in  a  row 
would  probably  mean  the  direst  kind  of  mischief. 

36 


"Well,  to  embrace 
any  kind  of  a  vocabu 
lary,  this  machine  would 
need  to  have  about  5,000 
characters,  and  would 
require  quite  a  force  of 
men  to  operate  it,  but 
the  advantages  which 
would  accrue  from  its 
use  are  almost  inestim- 
abl  e.  The  Spaniards 


38  SAID    THE   OBSERVER. 

have  found  in  the  typewriter  a  most  effective  in 
strument  of  war,  and  through  its  use  many  of 
Weyler's  most  important  battles  were  won.  Re 
ports  from  South  Africa  seem  to  indicate  that  it 
has  played  no  unimportant  role  in  England's  sub 
jugation  of  the  Boers,  and  General  Elwell  S.  Otis 
has  even  been  accused  of  employing  it  with  terrible 
effect  against  the  forces  of  Aguinaldo.  With  such 
an  awful  weapon  as  Tap-Key  has  invented  the 
Chinese  government  might  defy  the  allied  powers 
with  impunity  and  even  regain  the  territory  cap 
tured  by  Japan.  The  young  Emperor  could  doubt 
less  put  to  flight  the  august  but  doughty  dowager, 
as  well  as  his  beloved  relative,  Prince  Tuan,  and 
rule  his  flowery  kingdom  in  peace  and  harmony, 
while  Li  HungChang  would  lose  his  head,  metaphor 
ically,  if  not  literally,  in  favor  of  Tap-Key,  future 
lord  of  the  war  department." 


DrawbacKs  of  the   King 
Business. 

"  No,"  said  the  Observer,  thoughtfully,  "  I  never 
cherished  dreams  of  inordinate  wealth  or  power ; 
there's  nothing  in  it.  If  a  man  is  satisfied  to  reach 
a  moderate  altitude  he  may  enjoy  it  unmolested, 
but  if  he  succeeds  in  scaling  some  remarkable 
height,  there  immediately  arises  an  army  of  envious 
cranks  ready  to  take  his  life  or  make  it  so  miser 
able  for  him  that  he  will  be  glad  to  sell  out  at  half 
price  and  gratefully  descend  into  the  obscurity 
from  which  he  rose. 

"Nor,  is  it  only  the  self-made  man  to  whom 
these  remarks  apply.  Take,  for  example,  the  Czar 
of  Russia,  the  Emperor  of  Germany,  or  any  other 
potentate,  Christian  or  heathen,  civilized  or  savage, 
great  or  small.  He  has  more  trouble  to  the  square 

39 


40 


SAID    THE    OBSERVER. 


inch  than  a  weather  prophet.  Nicholas  III  is 
probably  the  worst  off  of  them  all.  He  gets  up 
early  in  the  morning  and  shaves  himself  with  a 

safety  razor,   while 

.,. 

-ni  the  court  chemist  is 
analyzing  his  break 
fast  for  traces  of 
arsenic  or  prussic 
acid ;  then  he  dons 
his  bullet-proof  coat, 
descends  a  private 
stairway  to  a  bomb 
proof  drawing-room 
and  receives  his  meals 
on  a  dumb  -  waiter 
from  the  laboratory  with  the  chemist's  certificate 
that  all  injurious  substances  have  been  removed. 

"  This  is  the  latest  method,  an  official  taster 
having  been  formerly  employed,  but  owing  to  the 
exorbitant  rate  of  insurance  on  such  officers  and 


DRAWBACKS    OF   THE    KING    BUSINESS. 


41 


the  rapid  decimation  of  the  royal  retinue,  that  plan 
was  recently  abandoned.  After  finishing  bis  repast 
the  Czar  receives  the 
morning  papers,  pre 
viously  disinfected, 
and  after  reading  the 
news,  sentences  a  few 
nihilists  to  death  by 
means  of  a  long-dis 
tance  telephone. 

"  In  Germany  the 
situation  is  almost  as 
bad.  The  Kaiser 
spends  the  entire 
morning  endeavoring  to  suppress  an  incipient 
revolution,  and  after  convicting  several  editors  for 
'  les  majeste,'  drives  around  the  streets  of  Berlin, 
wearing  a  baseball  mask  and  making  speeches  to 
his  soldiers,  upon  whom  he  urges  the  necessity  of 
constant  watchfulness. 


42  SAID   THE   OBSERVER. 

'•  The  young  potentate  of  the  Celestial  empire  is 
not  far  behind.  He  keeps  one  eye  on  the  dowager 
and  the  other  on  Li  Hung  Chang,  while  he  sends 
out  harikari  mandates  to  troublesome  officials,  and 
stands  off  the  Russian  ambassador.  Last,  but  not 
least,  is  the  Sultan  of  Turkey,  who  has  a  large 
family  to  provide  for  and  who  keeps  a  man  busy 
issuing  promissory  notes  to  Uncle  Sam  so  that  his 
wives  may  be  properly  supplied  with  filigree  hair 
pins  and  divided  skirts.  They  say  he  recently 
bought  the  entire  stock  of  an  insolvent  dry  goods 
store  for  his  harem,  and  it  only  went  half  way 
around. 

"  The  king  business  is  not  what  it  is  cracked  up 
to  be.  I  know  lots  of  fellows  who  would  make 
first-rate  kings,  and  I  don't  know  but  what  I  would 
make  quite  a  hit  in  that  line  myself.  But  I 
wouldn't  take  the  job  if  I  could  get  it.  I'd  sooner 
be  chief  of  police  or  a  corporation  lawyer.  There's 
more  money  in  it  and  not  half  the  danger." 


"  My  friend,"  said  the  Observer  to  his  vis-a-vis, 
who  was  studying  the  bill-of-fare  on  the  other  side 
of  the  table,  "did  you  ever  stop  to  consider  in  what 
an  advanced  age  we  are  living?  Have  you  ever 
studied  the  laws  of  the  universe  and  sought  to 
figure  them  out?  " 

"  '  Never  had  time,'  you  say;  '  keeps  a  man  busy 
providing  cash  to  feed  his  family.'  Well,  that's 
just  the  point.  Have  you  never  realized  that  half 
of  our  time  is  spent  in  preparing,  eating  and  digest 
ing  food,  while  the  other  half  is  employed  in 
making  money  enough  to  buy  it?  Now,  students 
of  psychology  say  that,  in  time,  the  human  body 
will  become  so  refined  that  it  will  be  able  to  absorb 

43 


44  SAID   THE    OBSERVER. 

all  necessary  nourishment  from  'universal  life,' 
and  need  not  gorge  itself  with  animal  or  vegetable 
organisms. 

"  What  vast  changes  such  a  condition  will  in 
augurate.  The  Frenchman  will  no  longer  clog  his 
digestive  apparatus  with  '  pate  de  foi  gras ; '  the 
rodent  will  pursue  the  even  tenor  of  his  way  in  the 
land  of  the  heathen  Chinee,  without  danger  of  being 
converted  into  a  stew;  the  aged  mutton  of  Merrie 
England  will  gambol  on  the  green,  with  chops  in 
tact  ;  the  Teuton  will  forsake  his  sauerkraut ; '  the 
benighted  heathen  his  missionary  pot-pourri,  and 
the  ghosts  of  slaughtered  canines  shall  cease  to 
haunt  the  sausage-maker  of  our  own  beloved 
country. 

"  It  means  the  elimination  of  the  dyspeptic  and 
the  '  autocrat  of  the  breakfast  table,'  who  frowns 
coldly  upon  the  efforts  of  his  young  wife  in  the 
culinary  line  and  carries  off  her  biscuits  to  serve  as 


THE   EATING   HABIT.  45 

paper  weights.  The  scoffer  at  occidental  table 
manners  will  cease  to  cavil  at  the  genial  westerner 
who  eats  vegetables  with  a  knife,  pie  with  a  spoon, 
and  drinks  his  coffee  from  the  saucer,  a  napkin* 
tucked  in  graceful  folds  beneath  his  ample  chin. 

"The  picturesque  phraseology  of  the  Bowery- 
waiter  will  fade  from  view  when  he  ceases  to  hustle 
'  stacks  of  whites,'  '  plainers,'  and  '  straight-ups'  to 
waiting  customers, .or  bawl  a  hoarse-voiced  'draw 
one,'  to  the  white-capped  cook. 

"  The  grafter  will  lack  his  usual  excuse  for  mak 
ing  a  '  touch  ;'  the  after-dinner  speech  will  no  more 
pave  the  politician's  ways  to  fame,  and  the  portrait 
of  the  baby  that  thrived  on  Malter's  Malted  Milk, 
which  now  embellishes  the  pages  of  newspaper  and 
magazine,  will  become  naught  but  a  lingering 
memory  of  the  past." 


Delights  of  Flashlight 
Photography. 

.  <(  See  those  hands?"  said  the  Observer,  holding 
up  two  "bunches  of  fives,"  whose  digits  were 
stained  near  the  ends  with  some  dark  brown  sub 
stance,  "  that's  pyrogallic  acid — and  that  burn 
near  my  thumb  was  made  by  Blitz  Pulver.  It 
wouldn't  take  a  Sherlock  Holmes  to  discover  that 
I  had  the  camera  craze,  would  it  ? 

"The  other  day  I  went  into  a  photographic  supply 
house  to  look  at  some  of  their  cameras  and  the 
clerk  sold  me  one  of  the  kind  that  '  a  child  can 
operate.'  He  didn't  say  where  the  child  was  to  be 
found,  but  I  have  since  concluded  that  it  must  be 
a  very  remarkable  specimen  of  the  infant  prodigy, 
and  is  probably  touring  the  country  as  a  dime 
museum  attraction  on  the  strength  of  its  wonderful 
abilities. 

46 


DELIGHTS    OF   FLASHLIGHT    PHOTOGRAPHY.  49 

"  I  took  the  camera  home  with  ms  and  carefully 
assimilated  the  printed  instructions  which  accom 
panied  it,  fixed  up  a  dark  room  in  the  woodshed 
and  then  sauntered  proudly  back  with  my  machine 
under  my  arm  to  photograph  the  baby. 

"  Now,  I've  always  prided  myself  on  the  genial 
goodnature  of  my  infant.  He  hardly  ever  cries 
or  kicks  the  covers  off,  or  becomes  afflicted  with 
colic  about  3  A.  M.  The  butcher  says  he  takes 
after  me,  though  my  wife  won't  acknowledge  this, 
notwithstanding  the  fact  that  the  butcher  has  six 
of  his  own  and  ought  to  know.  "Well,  the  moment 
I  came  in,  that  kid,  instead  of  rolling  his  eyes  and 
saying,  l  a-goo-goo,'  which  means  '  papa,'  as  every 
one  knows,  set  up  a  regular  Comanche  howl  and 
threw  his  rattle  at  me.  When  I  took  him  in  my 
arms  and  tried  to  quiet  him,  he  clawed  at  my  eyes, 
kicked  a  pocketful  of  cigars  to  pieces  and  bellowed 
so  vociferously  that  I  gave  him  back  to  his  ma. 


50  SAID   THE   OBSERVER. 

"  After  a  while  he  began  to  listen  to  reason  and 
I  set  up  my  outfit  near  the  window  in  order  to  have 
a  good  light.  I  tore  down  a  blind  and  ripped  a 
lace  curtain  clear  across  in  ray  effort  to  get  two 
exposures,  and,  Good  Lord  !  you  ought  to  see  those 
prints. 

"  In  the  first  snap  I  must  have  moved  the 
camera,  for  I  got  only  one  side  of  the  baby,  but 
that  side  had  three  different  arms  and  you  could 
see  the  back  of  the  chair  through  all  of  them.  The 
second  was  normal,  as  to  limbs,  etc.,  and  plumb 
in  the  center,  but  it  was  all  fuzzy,  like  an  impres 
sionist  picture. 

I  took  them  to  the  photo'  store  and  asked  the 
clerk  what  was  wrong.  He  said: 

"  '  Why,  you've  timed  'em  too  long.  He's  moved 
all  over  the  plate.  You  want  to  use  a  big  stop  and 
make  it  quick  ! ' 

"  '  But  what  do  you  make  it  of  and  what  is  it 
for? '  I  asked  perplexedly. 


DELIGHTS   OF   FLASHLIGHT   PHOTOGRAPHY.          51 

"  He  laughed  and  explained  that  I  should  make 
the  hole  in  my  lens  larger  and  take  a  more  rapid 
exposure ;  then  he  sold  me  a  bojbtle  of  flashlight 
powder. 

"  That  night  I  thought  I  would  take  a  group  at 
the  dinner  table,  so  we  all  assembled  around  the 
board.  After  knocking  down  a  couple  of  pictures 
and  upsetting  the  cuspidor,  I  got  things  all  ready 
to  light  the  fuse,  expecting  to  get  back  to  my  chair 
and  be  in  the  picture  before  the  stuff  went  off.  The 
moment  I  lit  it,  however,  the  durned  thing  blazed 
up  like  a  small  volcano  and  I  ran  around  the  room 
for  a  minute  or  so  with  my  thumb  in  my  mouth. 
Then  I  discovered  that  the  slide  had  not  been 
withdrawn  from  the  plate-holder.  Well,  the  room 
was  full  of  smoke  and  the  baby  was  so  badly  fright 
ened  that  we  had  to  put  him  to  bed  before  I  could 
make  another  attempt.  When  my  wife  came  back 
I  set  the  cat  up  in  the  high-chair  to  fill  out  the  gap 


52 


SAID   THE   OBSERVER. 


and  tried  it  agaiii.  This  time,  by  using  a  long  fuse 
and  making  a  third-base  slide,  I  got  almost  to  my 
chair  and  the  prospects  looked  promising.  The 
result  was  an  excellent  view  of  the  back  of  my 

head, occupying  three- 
fourths  of  the  plate, 
through  which  could 
be  dimly  discerned  a 
silhouette  of  my  wife 
and  a  black  streak  in 
mid-air  which  repre 
sented  the  cat  jump 
ing  over  the  coffee 
pot.. 

"  I  know  a  fellow,  though,  who  had  a  worse  ex 
perience  than  mine.  He  took  home  a  kodak  and 
a  '  creme  de  menthe  '  jag  one  night,  and,  as  all  his 
folks  had  retired  and  he  was  too  impatient  to  wait 
until  morning,  he  went  out  to  the  stable  to  flash- 


DELIGHTS   OF   FLASHLIGHT   PHOTOGRAPHY.          53 

light  the  calf.  The  calf  was  too  sleepy  to  object 
till  the  stuff  exploded.  Then  he  became  imbued 
with  such  suddeu  and  tremendous  vitality  that 
he  kicked  poor  B.  and  his  outfit  into  the  middle  of 
next  week.  The  hired  man  heard  the  racket  and 
found  him  hanging  by  his  pantaloons  on  a  fence- 
post.  Part  of  the  tripod  was  about  his  neck  ;  his 
hair  was  full  of  ground  glass  and  he  was  murmur 
ing  something  about  a  trolley-car.  They  put  him 
to  bed  and  the  first  thing  he  said  after  he  came  to, 
was,  '  Did  they  arrest  the  motorman  ?  ' 

"  I  hear  fellows  talking  about  golf  and  driving 
four-in-hand,  but,  if  anyone  wants  to  experience  a 
real  hot  time,  let  him  get  one  of  these  easy- working 
cameras  and  practice  on  the  family. 


"Wonders  of  Spiritualism. 

"  Spiritualism  is  a  wonderful  thing,"  said  the 
Observer  in  a  retrospective  tone.  "  As  a  source  of 
valuable  information,  it  beats  the  Encyclopedia 
Brittanica  in  an  easy  hand  gallop;  the  tonsorial 
artist  is  not  in  its  class  and  even  the  '  Intelligence 
Office,'  pales  into  innocuous  desuetude  beside  it. 

"  Had  it  not  been  for  a  recent  visit  to  a  medium, 
I  should  never  have  learned  many  important 
truths  which  affect  me  very  closely.  In  the 
first  place  I  should  not  have  known  that  I  have 
a  little  brother  and  sister  in  '  spirit  life.'  I  had 
always  considered  myself  an  only  child  and  all  of 
my  relatives  and  friends  cherished  the  same  illu 
sion.  You  may  imagine  my  astonishment,  then, 
at  receiving  messages  from  Brother  Charley  and 
Sister  Ida,  both  of  whom  the  medium  described 

51 


WONDERS   OF   SPIRITUALISM.  55 

with  marvelous  attention  to  detail.  They  told  me 
not  to  worry — that  it  would  all  come  right,  and 
that  they  were  always  with  me,  which  is  comfort 
ing  and  shows  how  affectionate  children  can  be  — 
even  in  spirit  life. 

"  The  next  revelation  which  came  from  the 
'  other  side '  was  the  statement  that  a  dark  cloud 
which  was  then  hovering  over  me,  would  soon  pass 
away.  This  was  interesting  as  well  as  instructive 
and,  as  I  was  idly  speculating  as  to  the  exact  loca 
tion  of  the  cloud,  I  was  suddenly  startled  to  learn 
that  two  beautiful  young  women — one  fair  and 
wealthy,  the  other  dark  and  poor,  but  accomplished 
— had  won  my  heart  and  that  I  was  hesitating  as 
to  which  one  I  loved  the  more. 

"  This  was  somewhat  distressing  and  wholly  un 
premeditated  on  my  part.  I  caught  myself  hoping, 
with  a  vague  sense  of  guilt,  that  my  wife  wouldn't 
hear  of  it,  for  I  knew  it  would  worry  her  and  bring 


56  SAID   THE   OBSERVER. 

about  complications  between  us.  Perhaps  this  was 
the  dark  cloud,  I  ruminated,  and  felt  cheered  by 
the  assurance  that  it  would  soon  pass  away.  The 
spirit  that  told  me  these  things  was  evidently  in 
a  communicative  mood  and  had,  no  doubt,  looked 
up  my  case  very  carefully. 

"  '  You  are  very  sensitive,'  she  told  me — I  use 
the  word  '  she '  advisedly,  for  no  masculine  spirit 
could  possibly  have  ferreted  out  all  these  facts. 
'You  touch  many  natures  closely  and  benefit  by  this 
faculty.'  I  had  just  borrowed  a  little  money  from 
a  friend  and  wondered  if  anything  personal  was 
intended  by  the  word  '  touch.'  But  I  cast  this 
thought  aside  as  unworthy — no  spirit  would  resort 
to  slang. 

"  '  Do  you  often  hear  voices,  indistinctly  ?  '  con 
tinued  the  spirit,  '  strange  voices  which  seem  to 
call  you  and  then  sink  away?'  I  thought  of  the 
telephone  and  wondered  how  she  could  have 
known. 


WONDERS    OF   SPIRITUALISM.  57 

"  '  Yes,'  I  said,  I  hear  them  every  day.' 

"  '  Ah  ! '  said  the  spirit,  i  you  are  mediumistic.' 

"  I  started.  l  Is  it  painful  ?  '  I  asked,  '  or  likely 
to  become  chronic  ?  ' 

"  The  medium  sat  bolt  upright  in  her  chair  and 
rubbed  her  eyes  violently.  'Your  levity  has  de 
stroyed  the  conditions,'  she  said.  '  Two  dollars, 
please.' 

"  I  paid  the  money,  and,  in  going  out,  I  met  a 
man  looking  at  his  watch  in  an  irritated  way. 

"  '  I  engaged  a  sitting  for  3  o'clock  by  tele 
phone,'  he  said.  '  Why  have  I  been  kept  waiting 
half  an  hour  ?  ' 

"  The  medium's  jaw  dropped  with  peculiar  sud 
denness  and  she  sat  down  heavily  in  a  chair.  A 
sudden  revelation  came  to  me. 

"  '  Sir,'  I  said,  addressing  the  stranger,  '  pardon 
the  inquiry,  but  have  you  a  Sister  Ida  and  a 
Brother  Charley  in  spirit  life  ?  Do  you  love  two 


58  SAID   THE   OBSERVER. 

women — one  fair  and  wealthy,  the  other  poor  and 
dark,  but  talented  ?  Does  a  dark  cloud  hover  over 
your  life  and  do  you  hear  voices  calling  you  from 
afar  ?  Are  you  sensitive  and  have  you  developed 
the  sense  of  tou — ?  ' 

"  '  Enough  ! '  cried  the  man,  hoarsely.  '  I  am  con 
vinced — here  is  your  money,'  and  he  handed  me  a 
five-dollar  bill. 

"  '  Thanks,'  said  I,  and  left  them  there  together." 


YOU  ever  read  the  testimonial 
letters  of  noted  persons?  "  said 
the  Observer,  thoughtfully, 
stirring  his  coffee.  "  There 
.  are  many  things  which  come 
with  fame  besides  public  adulation ;  they  are 
material  things  and  have  a  certain  commercial  as 
well  as  sentimental  value,  such  as  soap  and  corsets, 
patent  medicines,  face  powder,  vapor  baths,  books, 
cigars,  corned  beef,  fountain  pens,  and  patented 
trouser  hangers.  As  soon  as  a  man  gets  his  name 
in  print  a  few  times  he  is  deluged  with  samples  by 
every  manufacturer  in  the  country.  I  know  an 
actor  who  hasn't  bought  a  cake  of  toilet  soap  since 

59 


60  SAID    THE   OBSERVER. 

he  began  to  play  leading  parts.  All  he's  got  to  do 
is  to  write  a  testimonial  for  some  new  brand,  say 
ing  he  would  use  no  other,  and  he  gets  a  case; 
then,  there  is  a  leading  lady  who  once  endorsed  a 
certain  kind  of  shoe,  and  now  she's  got  a  dozen 
pairs  in  her  trunk,  which  didn't  cost  her  a  cent. 

"Among  the  personal  effects  of  the  late  Senator 

D were  six  dozen  porous  plasters  and  nearly  a 

gross  of  Casey's  Liver  Regulator.  Whether  the 
senator's  demise  was  due  to  his  strenuous  efforts  to 
deplete  this  generous  supply  has  never  been  made 
known,  but  I  very  much  doubt  if  the  doctor,  who 
attributed  his  death  to  heart  failure  was  familiar 
with  these  facts  at  the  time. 

"Another  famous  statesman,  who  was  as  bald  as 
he  was  absent-minded,  once  mailed  a  testimonial 
to  the  manufacturer  of  Blank's  Hair  Restorer,  en 
closing  a  photograph  of  himself.  In  their  next 
advertisement  they  made  two  cuts  from  the  picture, 


THE    POTENCY   OF   THE   TESTIMONIAL.  61 

painting  a  profusion  of  wavy  hair  upon  one,  and 
ran  them  over  a  reproduction  of  his  letter,  labeled, 
1  Before  and  after  using.'  When  the  old  gentleman 
saw  it  he  was  so  pleased  with  his  appearance  in 
the  latter  cut  that  he  straightforth  bought  a  wig 
and  ever  afterwards  kept  up  the  delusion. 

"  Then  there's  the  man  who  is  cured  by  X-Y-Z 
Cough  Cure,  or  Blither's  Sarsaparilla.  He  may 
not  be  known  to  half  a  hundred  people  before  he 
tries  this  wonderful  stimulant ;  but  after  he  takes 
half  a  dozen  bottles  and  is  '  snatched  from  the  jaws 
of  death,'  his  name  and  features  become  familiar  to 
several  millions  of  people.  I  know  a  carpenter  in 
a  northern  county  who  resorted  to  this  method  and 
was  so  well  advertised  that,  when  the  national 

representative  for  that  district  died,  B was 

nominated  for  Congress  and  elected  by  a  big 
majority. 

"There  is  a  saying  that  'some   men  are  born 


62  SAID   THE   OBSERVER. 

great ;  some  achieve  greatness  and  some  have 
greatness  thrust  upon  them.'  I  don't  know  who 
made  this  statement,  or  why  it  was  made,  but  it's 
dollars  to  doughnuts  that  the  fellow  who  did  was 
saved  from  an  untimely  grave  by  the  curative 
powers  of  Bunker  Hill  Stomach  Bitters  and  rose 
from  obscurity  to  high  position  as  a  result." 


Ambitions  and  Things. 


MBITION  is  a  good  thing," 
said  the  Observer,  deftly  flick 
ing  the  ash  from  his  cigar.  "It 
provides  one  with  a  certain 
amount  of  incentive  which 
may  prove  useful  in  develop 
ing  latent  resources,  but  it  ought  to  be  carried 
about  in  a  glass  case  and  labeled,  '  Handle  with 
care.' 

"  Caesar  had  an  ambition,  but  he  overworked  it 
with  disastrous  effect.  Napoleon  got  good  results 
from  his  for  a  while,  but  it  finally  gave  out  on  him, 
and  William  Jennings  Bryan,  the  latest  prominent 
victim  of  ambition  is  in  such  a  bad  way  that  he 
has  to  ride  on  tourist  cars,  like  '  common  people.' 
This  may  be  due  to  a  beautiful  spirit  of  consist- 

65 


66  SAID   THE    OBSERVER. 

ency  on  his  part,  as  editor  of  the  '  Commoner,'  but 
it  is  not  in  line  with  his  ambition.  All  of  which 
goes  to  show  that  ambition  is  no  more  subject  to  a 
guarantee  than  a  patent-leather  shoe — it  looks 
very  fine  when  you  first  get  it,  but  it  cracks. 

"Then  there  is  the  ideal,  which  is  even  more 
perishable,  but  can  fortunately  be  replaced  when  it 
breaks — for  it  does  not  wear  out.  Like  a  Prince 
Rupert  drop,  it  is  just  as  good  as  new  until  some 
thing  steps  on  its  tail,  and  then  there  is  nothing  left 
but  a  noise  and  a  disturbed  atmospheric  con 
dition. 

"After  a  fellow's  ideal,  explodes  he  generally 
idles  away  his  time  pitying  himself  and  saying 
sarcastic  things  about  the  entire  human  race,  until 
he  achieves  a  local  reputation  as  a  cynic.  When  in 
this  state  of  mind  there  is  no  use  in  telling  him 
that  he  is  not  the  only  original  possessor  of  a  bona 
fide  broken  ideal.  He'll  show  you  a  little  superficial 


AMBITIONS    AND   THINGS.  67 

scratch '  and  say  in  husky  tones,  '  see  this  great 
wound  it  has  made  in  my  constitution,  it  will  never 
heal.  Happiness  is  an  iridescent  dream.  Go  and 
leave  me  to  my  fate !  '  Then  he'll  heave  a  sigh 
which  he  thinks  comes  from  a  broken  heart,  but 
which  really  emanates  from  a  dyspeptic  condition, 
caused  by  lack  of  exercise.  After  a  while  he  finds 
that  this  brand  of  romance  is  an  overcrowded  field 
and  that  he  doesn't  get  sufficient  sympathy  to 
make  it  pay.  When  he  realizes  that  he  is  up 
against  the  competitive  system  good  and  hard,  he 
bids  a  fond  farewell  to  sentiment  and  goes  to 
work. 

"It  is  interesting  to  watch  young  women,  just 
after  they  lose  an  ideal.  They  generally  have 
more  time  to  indulge  the  '  broken  heart '  idea 
and  do  it  so  much  more  scientifically  than  men.  It 
is  very  effective  to  lounge  about  in  a  darkened 
room,  wearing  a  pale,  hopeless  expression  and  pic- 


68  SAID    THE    OBSERVER. 

turesque  negligee.  They  usually  read  Faust  and 
Dante's  Inferno  and  think  how  sweet  it  is  to 
suffer. 

"  When  friends  come  to  cheer  them  up  they  sigh 
softly  and  say,  '  Ah,  no;  it  is  too  late.  Once  I  had 
aims  and  aspirations,  but  Fate  has  swept  them  all 
away.  I  shall  only  drift  and  drift  now,  until  it  is 
all  over.' 

"  Then,  the  comforters  go  away  with  tears  in 
their  eyes  and  send  her  flowers. 

"  '  How  the  poor  child  has  suffered,'  they  say. 
But  Providence  only  has  a  quiet  laugh  up  her 
sleeve  and  says,  as  she  winks  the  other  eye, 

"  '  What  fools  these  mortals  be !  '  " 


THE 


ELEPHOB£FA< 


"  What's  the  matter  with  that  man  ?  "  said  the 
Observer,  repeating  his  friend's  interrogation,  as 
they  passed  a  pedesrtian  wearing  a  most  prodigious 
frown.  "  Don't  you  know  what's  the  matter  with 
him  ?  He's  got  the  telephone  face. 

"Never  heard  of  it,  eh?  Well,  that  shows 
that  your  powers  of  perception  are  not  particularly 
acute.  The  telephone  face  is  no  longer  a  physiog 
nomical  freak,  but  a  prevalent  expression  among 
the  several  thousand  unfortunate  clerks  and  busi 
ness  men  who  find  extensive  use  for  the  telephone 
necessary.  It  is  a  distinctive  cast  of  features,  too, 
which  can  readily  be  distinguished  from  any  other 
by  one  who  can  read  faces  at  all. 

"  The  dyspeptic  has  a  '  face.'  His  expression  is 
fitful  and  disgruntled,  but  underlying  it  is  a  gleam 

69 


70  SAID   THE   OBSERVER. 

of  hope  ;  the  insolvent  man,  harassed  by  creditors, 
has  another  well-defined  type  of  facial  mold.  It  is 
haunted  and  worried,  with  a,  tinge  of  defiance  in  it; 
the  owner  of  the  '  bicycle  face '  has  his  features  set 
in  lines  of  deadly  resolution ;  the  '  golf  face '  dis 
plays  fanatical  enthusiasm  and  a  puzzled  look  re 
sulting  from  a  struggle  with  the  vocabulary  of  the 
game ;  the  '  poker  face '  shows  immobility  and 
superstition  ;  the  '  telegraph  face,'  according  to  a 
well-known  New  York  professor,  is  '  vacant,  stoic 
and  unconcerned,'  but  the  '  telephone  face  '  stands 
out  among  all  of  these  in  a  class  peculiar  to  itself. 
There  are  traces  of  a  battle  and  defeat  marked  on 
it ;  the  stamp  of  hope  deferred  and  resignation,  yet 
without  that  placidity  which  usually  betokens  the 
acceptance  of  an  inevitable  destiny.  The  brows 
are  drawn  together  above  the  nose,  and  at  times  a 
murderous  glint  shows  in  the  half-closed  eyes  of 
the  possessor. 


THE   TELEPHONE    FACE.  71 

"  The  peculiar  feature  about  the  man  with  the 
'  telephone  face  '  is,  that  he  always  believes  the  day 
will  come  when  he  will  be  able  to  get  the  right  num 
ber  and  the  right  man  without  being  told  that  the 
'  line's  busy,'  '  party  does  not  reply,'  or  '  phone  is 
out  of  order.'  He  is  like  the  man  who  always 
backs  the  wrong  horse,  the  poet  with  an  '  Ode 
to  Spring,'  or  the  honest  man  seeking  a  political 
job,  continually  defeated,  but  ever  dreaming  of 
ultimate  success. 

"  I  know  of  only  one  instance  in  which  the 
dream  was  realized.  A  new  girl  had  been  installed 
in  a  telephone  office  without  proper  instructions — 
a  most  unprecedented  case.  A  bookkeeper,  grown 
gray  in  the  service  of  a  large  mercantile  house, 
picked  up  his  receiver  wearily.  It  rang  the  new 
girl's  bell,  and  like  a  flash,  she  said,  '  Hello.'  The 
bookkeeper  gasped.  '  Is  that  you,  Central  ?'  he  asked 
huskily.  '  Yes,'  replied  the  unsophisticated  maiden, 


72  SAID   THE   OBSERVER. 

pleasantly.  '  What  number,  please  ?  '  The  old  man 
sat  bolt  upright  and  clutched  the  desk.  'Give  me 
purple  six  double-nine,'  he  said,  in  quavering  tones, 
and  his  weak  form  trembled  as  he  spoke.  Nimbty 
worked  the  fingers  of  the  uninitiated  telephone 
girl,  as  she  struck  a  peg  in  the  switchboard  and 
quickly  rang  a  bell.  A  voice  at  the  other  end 
responded  promptly,  and  the  bookkeeper  wiped 
cold  beads  of  perspiration  from  his  brow  before  he 
answered.  '  Is  this  Jones  &  Company  ?  '  he  almost 
shrieked.  '  Yes,'  came  the  reply,  full  and  clear, 
'  this  is  Jones  talking.' 

"  A  dull  thud  followed,  and,  when  the  other 
clerks  rushed  in,  they  found  the  old  man  lying  still 
and  cold,  his  right  hand  still  grasping  the  receiver 
of  the  telephone,  which  had  fallen  to  the  floor 
beside  him,  and  a  smile  of  the  most  transcendent 
happiness  they  had  ever  seen  upon  his  faded 
lips." 


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